The Barren Wife

“So when are you going to have a child?”

“Oh, you still don’t have kids?”

“I wish that GOD would open your womb.”

“I pray for you to experience having a child.”

Above are the questions and wishes I often heard whenever old and new acquiantances learns that my Husband and I are childless. And more often than not, the fault falls on me – without them knowing the real reason as to why we are on this situation.

At first, I was really affected. For years, I questioned GOD why he is not granting us a child so we can be a complete family. I even pass on opportunities for me to grow my career because of my dream of motherhood.

Then I became envious of my friends and colleagues who had kids. I became bitter towards life and later on, I became apathethic. Now, already in my early forties and having subject to various illnesses, I am no longer hoping to have a child.

I really thought I was way past those self pity phase. Until a couple of weeks ago, I heard my Father talking to my cousin and replying that my husband and I are childless. The pain seeps in again.

He never meant to be tactless and he was just answering a question. But the memories of being envious and bitter towards our situation freshened up again especially since we are on a long distance relationship past a decade already.

During this moment and in the past years of wallowing in self pity, I sought GOD and would often ask him to remind me always that I am loved and complete eventhough we are childless. After all, GOD is the only one who can complete us.

Isaiah 54:1

“Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child;
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed;
For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord.

Galatians 4:27

For it is written,
“Rejoice, barren woman who does not bear;
Break forth and shout, you who are not in labor;
For more numerous are the children of the desolate
Than of the one who has a husband.”

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5 (New International Version)

A Time for Everything

“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.”

I always say that patience is not my virtue.

When I was younger, I was full of ambitions, full of dreams and sooo full of myself. More often than not, I would find ways to get what I want in life, even if that means I need to stomp on the rights of those people around me.

Because of this, they learned to hide from me the things which they think I should not know and eventually it lead to fall out. I had to be stuck in a ‘shelf’ for me to learn the repurcussions of my actions.

This pandemic has brought me to a lot of time to contemplate about those seasons in my life.

I realized that GOD was slowly answering my prayers in his own time and his own ways. A lot of my secret prayers were answered. I also learned that when he says No – it’s actually for my own good, that he wants me to wait for his perfect timing and not force things to happen in undue time.

As they say, if things were really meant to be, then It was really meant to do so in the first place.

Fish and Bread

When I was just starting to work after graduating from college, I had a meager salary which I always have to stretch so it would reach until the next payday. Back then, whenever I go to church each Sundays, I only give coins during offertories. Fast forward to 20 years of working in the corporate world and I now have the ability to give full tithes each time I received my husband and I’s salaries. Now, I wrote this blog entry not to brag but to emphasize the importance of us being faithful to giving tithes. After all, it is written in the old testament:

Malachi 3:10-12

10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. 11 I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. 12 “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty.

When I started giving him our full tithes almost 5 years ago, no matter how small it is, he gradually blessed us both. We were able to have things we didn’t imagine we’ll be having. Visit places we just dream of and collect experiences and fond memories. We still don’t have the things we hoped for – kids and a career we wished to have. Up to now, we still don’t know if we will be able to have them.

But GOD has protected us both from harm, kept us both safe while we are on Long Distance Relationship. He also maintained our jobs while we are on this pandemic and apart from that, the tithes we kept for him became an instrument for us to help a lot of people – just like the parable of the fish and bread in Matthew 15:32.

How faithful indeed GOD is.

The Source

Empath or Empathy…I think I have this kind of gift. Why do I think so? Because I can sense whatever a person feels even though they don’t say it. and what’s worst? it’s magnified whenever I felt whatever they felt. Sometimes it helps but more often than not, it doesn’t.

During the early days of this pandemic season, I felt my Mother’s fear and anxiety. Same thing happened to me whenever my husband is here. I can sense his worries and uncertainties. Whenever somebody is happy or elated, I can sense it too.

You might be wondering what’s the connection of this subject of my blog entry to what I am writing right now…we’ll I just realized that if we are getting the source of our energies at the wrong places or wrong people…chances are it will be easily depleted or it won’t last.

But if we are getting it at the right source – our Lord Jesus Christ then it won’t be depleted and it will last at all times. Because he is the Alpha and Omega, the Creator – the Perfect Source of everything good here on earth.

Revelation 22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.”

Isaiah 40:30-31King James Version

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.