I am a middle child in a family of nine. Ever since childhood, I have always been seeking attention – with my family, with friends, at school and even at work. Even in my married life now, I compete for attention against my husband’s work. It’s difficult because, I always have to prove myself just to be noticed to the point that I have to pretend to be somebody because I have to please other people so that they can accept me. For four decades, I live like that. But this time that I am in my forties (I am now 42), I contemplate a lot, especially during this pandemic season. One of my realizations was that I don’t have to prove myself to other people or even to my own family and spouse. Why? because the Bible and the online fellowships I watch on says: I am a Child of GOD. And If I am a child of GOD, the conversation is over. It means I am a princess…because, LORD JESUS CHRIST is King of the Universe. He alone created the heavens and the earth and everything on earth. And because he is the great creator and I became his child when he laid down his life to redeem me from sin by crucifixion, it means …I am made of high standard and I should not felt cheap … I am authentic, not fake, not low class a or an imitation … because of this, I have to live accordingly to how he created me – as an authentic, first class version of myself … I have nothing to prove to other people but I must reflect what I really am, the way he sees me – in the image of GOD the FATHER in heaven …. Not just me, but all of us who submit to him, follow him and trust in him as the one and only living God.
God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
2 Corinthians 6:18
“And I will be a father to you,
And you shall be sons and daughters to Me,”
Says the Lord Almighty.
I used to be the type of person who knows what to do in life … has direction, knows what she wants and has a plan…well at least, that’s what I thought I was two decades ago… now 42 years old, I am feeling the midlife crisis… the things I previously pursued and planned to do…I no longer want to continue no matter how much my husband and I spent…now, I feel like I wasted everything – the resources and time which GOD and my loved ones gave me and the opportunity that was given to me – so that I will be able to have a better life. Now, all of them are faded memories… why am I having these realizations now? because, apart from the fact that I am getting older …I envied my former co-workers and acquaintances whose lifestyles are much better than mine now …They who did not waste time and resisted the fear and apprehension that they have and faced the trials and challenges in their lives and confidently trusted in their abilities and to God.
Why is Fickle Minded the title of my entry today? because, that’s how I am …even my husband is going nuts with me because I constantly change my mind … I can blame other people, my past experiences and situations for where I am right now… but what good will it bring? now that I am getting older and I can only do so much, I hold on to God’s promise that he is faithful and never changes his mind and looks after me … even if I make mistakes and sin, he is always there for to me …I just need to always have time with him and put him first in all the things I do, so that, no matter how hard the challenges I will face, I will be able to make it.
2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.
Psalms 119:90 Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast.
This is my first entry on this paid blog. While it has been years since I last blog, I am hoping I will be able to make this one. Well, what really push me to write this entry is what happened this morning: My Mother received a call from her brother from the province. She said he is worried about my grandfather. My grandfather was complaining about something and he could not understand him because my grandfather was already deaf and forgetful. My Uncle does not know how to help him. My Mother scold my uncle because she was worried too. The ending? She went home to their house, so that she could talk more to my uncle since the cellphone signal here in my place is not so good, And even if she does not say it, I know she misses my siblings and my father as well as my nephews and niece, because here in my place, there’s only two of us. She and my Father used to take turns to stay here with me since my siblings, whom I used to be with, had their own jobs and family. My husband, on the other hand, is working on a ship. Maybe next month he’ll return home. We don’t have children and I don’t know if we will have any because we are both old. I’ve always been like this, no permanent companion in our house… for many years… but lately, I can’t take it anymore … especially now that there’s this global pandemic… I feel sorry for myself … but during this time too, things became clear to me: I should not expect the people around me to be content staying here with me. In fact, I should not be dependent on other people. I also realized that the things I can buy and the career I pursue or passion that I thought would define me won’t actually give me the peace of mind and happiness I’m longing for… nothing and nobody can fill that gap in my heart but just one – GOD … I also realized while I was having a hard time making this entry and trace what my password is to this domain and blog host that I have not been writing for so long and postponed my promise to GOD that I will make this blog for him. GOD is very kind … very patient … he really waited for me … hopefully, this time around, I will be able to keep that promise … because, writing is not just therapy for a melancholic person like me but it is also a fulfillment of a promise … who knows, maybe because of my obedience to GOD, the void that I feel here in my heart will gradually be filled with good things coming from HIM…
And rend your hearts and not your garments.” Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.